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Singaporean students to be re-valued monthly

Posted by theonlinecitizen on December 29, 2006

school-2.jpgBy The Kentang

Singapore students will now be ranked according to their monetary value each month

Keeping in line with Singapore‘s goal to extract maximum value from every Singaporean Student, the Ministry of Emulation has drafted a new scheme that is remarkable for its innovativeness in the number of buzzwords it manages to employ. The Kentang interviewed Mr. Vivobioluptous Hopkins Fan, Chief Executive Officer of the Ministry of Emulation.

“Basically, we have to value our students in a new way, one that is free from colonial concepts such as ‘marks’ and grades’; a mindset that will better address our multi-cultural, Asian-valued, Uniquely Singaporean paradigm while still allowing us access to the developing global economy,” began Mr. Fan.

Singaporean Students will now be ranked according to their monetary value each month, to reflect their potential value to Singapore‘s community at large. This will begin at a negative value, since a Singaporean at the Primary One level has taken in resources to be educated while potentially achieving little.

However, once the Singaporean has been streamed and categorised, the monetary value can increase exponentially. EM1 students, primed to go to top secondary schools, junior colleges, and exotic educational programs, are usually valued between SGD4000 – SGD8000 a month, depending on academic performance.

“The impact this scheme will have is tremendous,” claims Mr. Fan. “Most importantly, the phrase ‘value-added’ will finally have meaning when applied to educational institutions: it will reflect the increase in net worth of the school.” Additional benefits from this scheme include: being able to rank Schools by net worth, to give parents an easy idea of where to send their children; Assisting Scholarship boards by allowing them access to the overall monetary value of a student, as well as an easily interpreted chart of the changes in the students value, to choose not only those that can do well in the exams, but those that do well consistently.

“All things considered, I think we have the most creative educational solution to address our community that obsessively ranks all things in terms of economic value, including arts, foreigners, and heterosexual procreation,” concludes Mr. Fan.

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The above is fictional and is meant only for lighthearted reading.

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8 Responses to “Singaporean students to be re-valued monthly”

  1. quitacet said

    Actually I think this is an appropriate policy reform if we can accurately project lifetime earnings potential discounted to present value. We should be looking into developing a model for this – such a model might take into account quarterly performance (ie the 10-Q) which means indeed, monthly revaluation. Good job!

  2. Of course, you have to use the right discount rate, otherwise all the numbers will be meaningless by the time they graduate. 😉

  3. Kevin said

    So, what was the monetary value of a guy who gone to Poly after ‘O’ level and became a teacher upon graduation? Not very high right?

    But, the same guy is not drawing over a million a year as the Deputy Prime Minister of Singapore. Never a scholar, some even said he dropped out from NUS.

    So what model do you guys propose?

    The value of a person can shot up simply by marriage.

  4. Paddy Tan said

    Good thing that this article is for lighthearted reading. Else everything will be about money and money and not about learning skills and knowledge. 🙂

  5. Harro! said

    Dont worry guys. There will be TOP-UP system. If a student is under-performing and his value drops below a viable level for education, the parents can TOP UP!

  6. Paddy Tan said

    For those with rich parents can sign up Visa/Ezlink top up, automatically maintain an elite value.

  7. Eugene said

    But this would be unfair to the students from poor families. How?

  8. Perry Tong said

    Ministry of Emasculation you mean? 😉

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